There! Right There!

There! Right there!
Look at that tanned, well tended skin
Look at the killer shape he's in
Look at that slightly stubbly chin
Oh please, he's gay, totally gay
I'm not about to celebrate
Every trait could indicate
The totally straight expatriate
This guy's not gay, I say not gay
That is the elephant in the room
Well is it relevant to assume
That a man who wears perfume
Is automatically, radically fae?
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks
Look at his silk translucent socks
There's the eternal paradox
Look, what we're seeing
What are we seeing?
Is he gay?
Of course he's gay!
Or European?
Oh...
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?
Well, hey don't look at me
You see, they bring their boys up different
In those charming foreign ports
They play peculiar sports
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks
They both say things like, "Ciao bella"
While they kiss you on both cheeks
Oh, please
Gay or European?
So many shades of grey
Depending on the time of day, the French go either way
Is he gay or European or-
There! Right there!
Look at that condescending smirk
Seen it on every guy at work
That is a metro-hetero jerk
That guy's not gay, I say no way!
That is the elephant in the room
Well, is it relevant to presume
That a hottie in that costume
Is automatically, radically
Ironically, chronically
Certainly, flirtingly
Genetically, medically
Gay, officially gay
Swishily gay, gay, gay, gay
Damnit!
Gay or European?
So stylish and relaxed
Is he gay or European?
I think his chest is waxed
But they bring their boys up different
There, it's culturally diverse
It's not a fashion curse
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code
Yeah, his accent is hypnotic
But his shoes are pointy-toed (Huh)
Gay or European?
So many shades of grey
But if he turns out straight
I'm free at eight on Saturday
Is he gay or European?
Gay or European?
Gay or Euro-
Wait a minute
Give me a chance to crack this guy
I have an idea I'd like to try
The floor is yours
So, Mr Argitakos
This alleged affair with Ms. Wyndham has been going on for?
Two years
And your first name again is?
Nikos
And your boyfriend's name is?
Carlos
I-I sorry, I misunderstand!
You said "boyfriend", I thought you said "best friend"
Carlos is my best friend
You bastard, you lying bastard!
That's it, I no cover for you, no more
Peoples, I have an big announcement
This man is gay and European
Whoa!
And neither is disgrace
You've got to stop, you're being a completely closet case
It's me not her he's seeing
No matter what he say
I swear he never, ever, ever swing the other way
You are so gay, you big parfait
You flaming one man cabaret
I'm straight!
You were not yesterday
So if I may, I'm proud to say
He's gay and European
He's gay and European
He's gay and European and gay
Fine, okay, I'm gay
Hooray!