No Place Like London

I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders
From the Dardanelles to the mountains of Peru
But there's no place like London!
I feel home again

I could hear the city bells ring whatever I would do
No, there's no place like London!

"Mr. Todd, sir?"
You are young
Life has been kind to you
You will learn

"So Antony, it is here we go our several ways"
"Farewell, I shall not soon forget the good ship Bountiful"
"Nor the young man who saved my life"

Alms, alms for a miserable woman
On a miserable chilly mornin'
Oh, thank you, sir, thank you
How would you like a little squiff, dear
A little jig-jig, a little bounce around the bush
Wouldn't you like to push me crumpet?
It looks to me, dear, like you've got plenty there to push
Alms, alms for a pitiful woman
What's got wandering wits
Hey, don't I know you, mister?
"Must you glare at me, woman?"
"Off with you, off I say!"
Then how would you like to fish me squiff, Mister?
We'll go jig-jig, a little
"Off I said! To the devil with you!"

Alms, alms for a desperate woman

"Pardon me, sir"
"But there's no need to fear the likes of her"
"She was only a half-crazed beggar woman"
"London's full of them"

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it
And it's morals aren't worth what a pig can spit
And it goes by the name of London

At the top of the hole sit the privileged few
Making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo
Turning beauty into filth and greed
I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders
For the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru
But there's no place like London