Spanish Inquisition - Pt. 1Extended

Chapman: Trouble at mill.
Cleveland: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Chapman: One ont cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
Cleveland: Pardon?
Chapman: One ont cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
Cleveland: I dont understand what youre saying.
Chapman: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treadle.
Cleveland: Well what on earth does that mean?
Chapman: *I* dont know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, thats all - I didnt expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
[The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain [Palin] enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles [Jones] has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang [Gilliam] is just Cardinal Fang]
Ximinez : NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency... Our *three* weapons are fear , surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear , surprise... Ill come in again.
Chapman: I didnt expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such di elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency , an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!
[To Cardinal Biggles] I cant say it - youll have to say it.
Biggles: What?
Ximinez: Youll have to say the bit about Our chief weapons are ...
Biggles: [rather horrified]: I couldnt do that...
Chapman: I didnt expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
Biggles: Er... Nobody... um...
Ximinez: Expects...
Biggles : Expects... Nobody expects the... um... the Spanish... um...
Ximinez: Inquisition.
Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact , those who do expect -
Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...
Biggles: Our chief weapons are... um... er...
Ximinez: Surprise...
Biggles: Surprise and --
Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise... blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on di dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. My old man said follow the--
Biggles: Thats enough.
[To Cleveland] Now, how do you plead?
Clevelnd: Were innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Biggles: Well soon change your mind about that!
Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!
Ximinez: You... Right! Tie her down.
Ximinez: Right! How do you plead?
Clevelnd: Innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn.
Biggles: I...
Ximinez: [gritting his teeth] I * know*, I know you cant. I didnt want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Biggles: I...
Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Biggles: Shall I...?
Ximinez: No, just pretend for Gods sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- * four* counts. Do you confess?
Wilde: I dont understand what Im accused of.
Ximinez: Ha! Then well make you understand! Biggles! Fetch... THE CUSHIONS!
Biggles: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- * three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Wilde: I dont know what youre talking about.
Ximinez: Right! If thats the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!
Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesnt seem to be hurting her, lord.
Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch... THE COMFY CHAIR!
Fang [terrified] : The... Comfy Chair?
Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!
Ximinez [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, toBiggles] Is that really all it is?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess
Biggles: I confess!
Ximinez: Not you!