The Phonecall

Can't believe this. [B:]
I'm gonna kill this mother***********. [sigh] [Jake (the other guy):]
Hallo [B:]
Hello, Jake [J:]
Uh, hi there
Bob. How is it going? [B:]
Well, I'm just fun-******g-tastic,
Jake. How are you? [J:]
Oh, you know.
Can't complain. [B:]
That's just ******g great.
Hey. I just spoke with my neighbour who lives across the street, and he told me that you came by my house today.
While I was at work. [J:]
Oh, uh. Yeah, yeah,
I just popped in there for a few minutes. [B:]
A few minutes?
My neighbour says it was more like three hours.
So what could've you been possible doing alone in my house, with my wife, for three hours? [J:]
Oh, no, no, no.
Look I— [B:] '
Cause you see, a guy like me can get suspicious. [J:]
Listen, uh.
I can explain everything.
I, I— [B:]
Oh, I want you to explain. [J:]
It's not what you think, um. [B:]
Well, please, enlighten me
Jake, 'cause
I'm really ******g curious to know what you were doing. [J:]
Look, it's nothing.
It's stupid, really.
I, I went over to your house, around one o'clock ([B:] huh), and
I ****** your wife and then
I left. [B:]
Really... [J:]
Really, I swear.
I went over,
I ****** her for a while, and after we both came,
I just went home. [B:]
Is my name
Forest Gump,
Jake? [J:]
Um, what? [B:]
Answer the ******g question!
Is my name
Forest Gump?! [J:]
Oh, well, no. [B:]
So why are you treating me like
I'm a ******g retard.
You expect me to believe that you were in my house for three hours and all you did was ************* my wife?! [J:]
I came over, she, she blew me there for a while ([B:] aha)
I came, so we had to wait for a while.
Then we had *** in the kitchen, for a while, then we had *** in the living room... [B:]
You're ******g lying to me, and
I really don't like it
Jake. You were in my house for three hours! [J:]
No, no. It's not like that.
You see, we had *** a few times, and then she wanted more.
She said she was really wet and feeling dirty and she wants more than one *********** inside of her ([B:] Hm).
So we called your brother to see if he wanted to come over and get in on the action, and, and he said '
Yes!', so we waited around for about an hour.
That's, that's why it took so long. [B:]
Hmm. My brother? ([J:] Uhm)
You and my brother double-teamed my wife? [J:]
Oh, yeah, yeah.
We gave it to her boy.
In every hole. [B:]
Aha. See, that's funny. '
Cause my brother's in
Miami this week.
I find it hard to believe that my brother flew all the way to
Miami here, to double-team my wife with you. [J:]
Oh, well, uhh... [B:]
And you know what the funny thing is?
The facet in my kitchen has been leaking for three months now.
And suddenly today, of all days, it decided to stop leaking. [J:]
Uh, oh, oh. [B:]
I'm gonna give you one last chance to answer this question.
And if you lie,
I guarantee you, you're gonna regret it.
What where you doing in my house today?! [J:]
I'm, I'm sorry.
Your wife called me, and
I didn't,
I didn't. [B:]
ANSWER THE
******G QU
ESTION! [J:]
Your wife wanted me to fix the facet, 'cause she couldn't stand the dripping noise anymore.
I didn't want to do it, but she begged me! [B:]
And what did
YOU do?! [J:]
I fixed it.
I fixed the facet.
I'm sorry! [B:]
You mother******g, *********** piece of *************t, you ******g fix my facet, you backstabbing
*************!, I'm gonna fix your face, you hear me?! [J: (crying)]
I— [B:]
I'm gonna fix your ******g...